Presenting at a Conference with Your Baby: It Takes a Village and Realistic Expectations

I meant to put up this post months ago, but completely got side-tracked by excessive need to chat about anything other than what I mean to talk about.

One of my first posts when I re-started blogging was about how difficult I found it to travel with my family because it was hard to let them act as childcare, because they were doing me a favor. Well, I realized that this desire to minimize the help I received was not leading me to accomplish any of my goals and I began to be more vocal about what I needed and expected if someone was so kind as to offer me their time.

I had a paper accepted at an international conference. A big one. The paper presentation was in October, when Z was not even 2 months old. I needed to take her with me. I needed to give the paper. I needed to see some of the other papers/attend some meals/do some schmoozing. I needed help.

My dad offered right away. I didn't think it was going to work out. My dad likes to attend the conferences. He would want to hear the papers. If left with a 2 month old, he would not be able to join in the fun (and, yes, to us, this is fun). However, after considering hiring a local sitter to watch the baby and seeing if my sister was available, I decided to go with my Dad, because he was willing and could pay for his own flight.

I now feel bad because he did excellently, although I do think that this trip was such a success because I both stated my objectives and what I expected of him as my child's caregiver, but, also, I lowered my expectations about what was truly possible. Also, most of the historians I hung out with were women - many medievalists are women - and, even though I'm sure some will be surprised as they are all ardent feminists, they LOVE babies. The only person there who tolerates babies is my adviser and I knew this going in. My adviser, however, is completely realistic ABOUT babies. She is the oldest of a large family and knows what they demand.

What I'm saying is: you want people to remember you and you are a medievalist? Bring your baby to a conference. Everyone loved her, cooed over how well-behaved she was (she's an infant, she sleeps), and were also so impressed with my Dad, who basically followed me to a foreign country, so I could give a paper.

Here's what I told my Dad: I would leave him with the baby for only two hours at a time and then I would switch with him. He would not be able to bring the baby to my paper. No matter what, he needed to watch the baby while I gave my paper.

Here were my hopes: Attend at least one panel a day. Attend one conference gathering around evening. Go to the "big" conference lunch. Go to dinner with adviser and fellow panelists. Give paper.

Here were my expectations: Give paper.

Honestly, I went into this weekend with the belief that if I just could give the paper all would be well. I embraced Dr. Sear's mantra that even if Z cried for the 90 minute panel, she would be crying in loving arms. Luckily, it wasn't an issue.

I left Z with my dad for two panels on two different days as well as my own panel. I brought her with me to the lunch, to the evening gathering, and to the last panel of the conference. She started the dinner with my adviser hanging out with my Dad, but ended up joining us, screaming in the restaurant on my shoulder for 5 minutes, and passing out. She hung out in a bar with me and some other attendees. For some of this, my dad hovered outside, just in case. For some of it, I let him wander off.

Ultimately, it was a success, because after traveling with Q and trying to figure out what to do and how to handle everything, I decided that I wasn't going to handle everything. If I brought Z somewhere and she became upset, we'd leave. It was life. She was a newborn. Everyone would and did understand. All I wanted to do was give my paper and I did that and more. I had a great weekend. Z loves her PawPaw. As of right now, it is my favorite conference, which I have attended ever.

Also, it's always cool to bring your baby into a bar. Z is so hardcore.

I Need to Get Out More (with Friends)

I am a very social person. It's actually one of my traits that H really likes. He knows that in any social circumstance I can strike up a conversation with anyone and save him from having to talk.  Or rather, almost any circumstance.

I'm lonely.  A few months ago, we moved from a city where I knew a lot of people to a place where we had some family, but that was it.  But even before we moved, I found it hard to make time for the friends I already had.  For a long time, this lack of a social life was Q related.  She was and is a "momma's girl" and wanted to be attached to me (literally, I had her in a carrier any time we went out and to this day she loves being in the carrier when we are traveling) and this fact made socialization difficult.  I mean, sure, you can try to go out at night and meet up with people with your little one suctioned to you (again, many times literally as Q was also a massive comfort nurser and I learned early on how to do that on the go just so we could get out of the house), but it usually makes for an early night, especially if the meeting up place is at least an hour away by public transport.

Eventually, though, Q and H reached a detente and she allowed him to care for her at night (before that, she was strictly mine from 4pm on) and I, tentatively, dipped my toe back into the real world BUT then came the larger and much harder to deal with problem: my work.

You see, as a student mom, any time you are not taking care of your child (and even sometimes when you are) is supposed to be dedicated to work.  Work (in my case, researching and writing my dissertation) is supposed to be a full-time job on top of the full-time job of caring for your child.  Now, it would be nice in a way to blow off work a little, but I have been extremely fortunate and have received funding for this past year and this upcoming year.  This means that someone, or many someones, did not receive funding and that I darn better earn that which I have.

Okay, back to the move. So we moved and now I need to make new friends (I text, call, email, facebook, and skype with my old friends, but that doesn't work for trying to sip a glass of wine at a local eatery), but making new friends is like dating.  You need to find someone with common interests, you need to make plans with them, you need to keep up on the communications, you need to not let gaps in hanging out or talking get to long ...  I don't have time for dating.  I have immense guilt that I MUST take care of my child and that I MUST live up to my fellowships.  Q will be going to school 5 mornings a week this fall, which should help with getting in more work, but I feel guilty about that, too.

I don't think I'm unique in this situation, though. Probably, most moms - at least very social ones - would say the same whether they work at home, stay at home, work outside the home, go to school, it is difficult to maintain or make friends ... How do we do it? How do we make new friends in new places without making people think we've dropped the ball, because we've become distracted by potty-training and finishing an article and everything else?

Alright, enough about me.  Another activity with Q will be up on Wednesday!